fear into reverence: surrendering to myself as remedy
friday the 13th, the spirit of fear, and uncrossing my heart.
If you know me in real life or if you have followed me on social media (most notably the website formerly known as Twitter), chances are you’ve heard me talk about my favorite television show EVER: Charmed (1998-2006). As my number one comfort show, Charmed dealt with themes of coming into adulthood, sisterhood, ancestry, relationships, and much more as it quickly gained a cult following. I have seen each episode and still laugh, cry, and get upset like it’s my very first time.
I spent this liminal Friday the 13th (we’re in the period where the seasons change), I am thinking about the Charmed episode that I coincidentally watched yesterday, “From Fear to Eternity,” [season 1, episode 13]. Honestly, if you know anything about the show, you know how this episode had the Charmed Ones shook!!! Barbas, the demon of fear, makes his first of many appearances as a complex new opponent for the girls. While previous demons and warlocks played on their emotions, Barbas was able to trap all three of them simultaneously while the spirit of fear itself got to work on their self-destruction. The Charmed Ones were able to defeat him, but we all know that fears aren’t just one and done. They had to defeat Barbas multiple times after first meeting him, each encounter an opportunity to show their courage. After all, fear shapeshifts and new fears come around to possess our bodies and test our hearts.
As one of the oldest weapons of control, fear hijacks our psyche and confuses our spirit. But if we know what we’re looking at, we can see that fear begs to be dominated. It wants to be on a leash and told what to do. When you come across fear, understand that it just wants to be ridden to your next destination. But too often, fear rides us. Kinky. This is a perfect opportunity for all the mystics, occultists, etc. out there to practice your domination works. If you start with the colonized parts of you, it will be easier to dominate and defeat what colonized you.
DO IT SCARED.
If we are always waiting for the perfect environment to be vulnerable enough to surrender, we will be waiting indefinitely. Surrendering to yourself is an expression of gratitude, and gratitude is an expression of presence, honesty, devotion, and reverence (amongst other things). If we know that the etymology of revere is “to fear,” how can we then take the spirit of fear and fashion it into reverence of Self and thus, the Divine? We must surrender to the truth we claim to seek and wade in the vulnerable waters of intimacy. Only then are we able to trust ourselves and the rest of our spiritual team with “what’s next?!?!”
I know that I am letting fear run me when all escape routes lead me back to my own overlapped footprints.
THE WHITE FLAG OF FORGIVENESS AS COSMIC PROTECTION.
When you have spent so long resisting, running away, trying to substitute other things, rushing what has been prophesied, longing to be accepted so that you are not othered (othering often leads to danger), you start to bubble over with shame and guilt. You’ve been doing it this way for a long time, how embarrassing to make different choices. Especially when you knowingly had access to said different choices. That’s the cycle I was stuck in for years. Various fears (some inherited and some earned by me) tangled up in each other like a mound of snakes. I built a mean case of resentment against myself, bitter over my constant self-betrayal. Envious of Future Me that showed me glimpses of my wildest dreams (how do I fucking get there??). Ashamed of the living conditions and shortcomings of Past Me (I’m so sorry, baby, you deserved better). After a series of trials on my quest for a solution on how to even surrender to myself and trust in my authority, hidden in the erratic electrical impulses of my heart was forgiveness. And guess what? I didn’t have to pay for it, earn it, or otherwise labor for it. It was mine and had always been. It matters not if other people can forgive me if I cannot forgive myself. Forgiveness brings clarity, calls innocence back home, uncrosses the heart, and replenishes the love-body. The type of divine nourishment that satiates the bloodline multiple generations back and forward. Ancestral elevation where you are the light and the water.
I know that I am letting fear run me when all escape routes lead me back to my own overlapped footprints.
I admittedly spent most of my 20s and before convinced that I was too imperfect a vessel and needed to be tossed out completely. I believed that surrendering to what I was born to do/make/love was a direct threat to my heart. Lingering rejection wounds provided a comfy bed for fear to rest and make a home. Taking the time to retire from public services this year was a tough decision that I just knew was a permanent thing. I always say that tradition without innovation is dead. Turns out, my retirement is more of a hiatus for as long as I need it to be (12+ months) as I honor my own prophecy by becoming wiser through embodying the knowledge entrusted to me. It serves no one to stay at the tip of my own iceberg when the deep summons me to come home.